At some point in time, it got harder and harder for me to come to school. I got really tired of that routine non-sense. I barely got good grades, I cut some classes for fun, and I used my free time to just read some manga on one corner of the room. I may be the epitome of introversion.
But aside from that, there was this one girl that grabbed my attention. She’s not your usual girl-whose-everyone-has-a-crush-on type, I suppose. I don’t know why but there were moments where I’d just stare at her for a couple of seconds before getting back to what I was normally doing. I’d observe her semi-long, straight, black hair being blown by the wind, her large eyes that would cut deep through her soul, her laughter that would influence the whole class. Aside from that, there’s really something about her that makes me wonder, why her? Being such an unpopular guy that I am though, no one would notice me spacing out all of a sudden, so that’s a good thing I guess.
At times, she’d be with her group of friends and she seems to enjoy it – she’s never alone. And that’s exactly the complete opposite of me. If you can put it this way, maybe she’s the only reason I go to school, no? That and my parents would kill me if I don’t. I mean who doesn’t?
One day, we had a group of threes working on some task and it might actually be the first time we’ve ever talked! Her friend introduced me to her – I just said “Hi” and carried on to being the non-person that I am. How pathetic! What a way to score! A few seconds later, I looked back at her and she looked back at her friend and she seemed annoyed. Way to go!
There’s also this one weekend where I saw her on a coffee shop near our place. She didn’t notice me buying a slice of cake and a coffee of course, so I hesitated approaching her and just walked away. I always go there when I wanted a time off from our house (I needed that!) and just read away. Thinking about it now, it was probably the worst decision of my life. I should have approached her. But being level-headed that I am, I have already thought the events that might happen considering our past experiences – nothing! That’s right, nothing good will ever come out of it. I’m just some delinquent guy.
Then, the pinnacle of it all – graduation day! That was the one day that I swore to be different – or rather, to be normal – like the other people. Where I can say everything I wanted to say, be where I wanted to be. I’d probably eat all of my pride if I need to (if that’s what you can consider it to be). Because it hurts. So much. It felt like I’m going to explode at times.
She was talking to her friends with her brittle and croaky voice, slowly waiving at them. At that moment, I realized I had no really close friends to bid farewell to. If we were to be together, where in the world would I take her? There is nothing on my world – zero. So I just looked back, walked gently towards home as I crumple a letter on one hand.
This is the real me, I guess.
She never looked at me anyway…
I studied well and studied hard just to pass the entrance exam to that school. My aunt told me he was studying there so I did my best to get accepted. Finally! I can see him again!
It was a new school with new teachers, new classmates, new friends – but the experience was anything but new to me. I was used to that kind of lifestyle. Our family often moved places due to my parents’ work and it’s been going on since I was a child – since we were childhood friends in fact. We made a promise 10 years since – that we’ll see each other again. I did my best to make that happen.
But, it didn’t turn out to be what I had expected it to be. I intentionally ran into him the first time and I was very excited to talk to him. No doubt about it – that was him alright. I wore my perfect smile and was about to hug him in excitement when he glanced at me and continued reading some comics as if I’m just some other girl in school. Is that how it is then? Did she somehow forgot me? Has my looks changed that much?
Because of that, I circled myself with friends in hopes of him remembering how I always used to do that before along with our other friends. I would look at him at times but he’s too preoccupied with whatever he’s reading on one corner of the room. He used to be so full of life – I wonder what happened to him?
There even came a time when we were grouped into three, thanks to sheer luck. Luckily, our other group mate was a good friend of mine – she knows my story. She even took the initiative to introduce me to him and the other way around – and there was still nothing! I just painfully looked back at my friend with a certain degree of unhappiness. He just doesn’t recognize me anymore! Or does he?
After a couple of days, I learned that he would sometimes go to the nearby coffee shop and spend his time there. It was a hit or miss for me. I’d wait for hours until he arrives and when he does, I couldn’t find the words to say to him! I’d just pretend I didn’t see him and play with my phone or something. It was really, really hard. And pathetic, I know.
Then, the pinnacle of it all – graduation day! That was the one day that I swore to be honest – or rather, I’ll just say everything there is – like what other people would do. Where I can say everything I wanted to say, be where I wanted to be. I’d probably just be disappointed, but I didn’t really care at that point. Because it hurts. So much. It felt like I’m going to explode at times.
I was talking with my friends while waving goodbye and really about to cry when my close friend noticed him approaching behind me. I got startled – I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I could be. I murmured all the things I wanted to say on the top of my head and when I was about to finish, my friend grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. He was already walking away. I looked at my friend in fear and confusion but she just pushed me as I hear her say, “Go!”
I was then a few meters behind him, walking at his pace. I had sworn (again) if he would just stop, I’ll shout at him and tell him everything. I’ll grab his hand and make him remember. He walked on and on and on.
He didn’t stop. Maybe it was fate. Maybe he didn’t really cared for me anymore. Maybe… it’s just not to be.
He never looked at me anyway…